Organic dictatorship changes diet of heftiest units

23 06 2009

news

cowMINDFUL of reducing its carbon footprint, the Bainimarama regime is changing the diet of its heftiest units to reduce the amount of gas they produce.

The regime has been working with digestive specialists and dieticians to reduce the amount of intestinal methane it has been collectively producing in increasing volumes since the 2006 military coup.

Prime Minister Voreqe Bainimarama, who has been a strong advocate of environmentally-friendly dictatorship, has welcomed the new diet their specialists have prescribed.

“Ever since December 2006, we have tried to run our dictatorship as organically as possible. This has included appointing people with good biodegradable properties such as Police Commissioner Esala Teleni.”

One of the drawbacks of utilising such an amply-proportioned commissioner though was the cubic metres of greenhouse gases he produced. This is where the new diet comes in.

The advanced menu on which Mr Teleni and others have now been placed is made up of alfalfa, flaxseed and grasses high in Omega 3 fatty acids.

This is normally what technologically advanced cows eat but it has been proven to reduce the methane they produce.

Mr Bainimarama’s environmentally-friendly approach has been prompted by research which shows that since December 2006 the military regime has become Fiji’s highest greenhouse gas contributor.

A lot of this has been attributed to the hot air it has been spewing.

Of course these statistics do not take into account Mr Teleni’s contribution, which is equivalent to a whole country on its own.

The data also shows that most of the gas is emitted from the front and not back end of regime members.

This was a very difficult determination to make, seeing that there was very little scientific difference between the two.

Although the regime may be cutting back on the amount of methane it produces, the same cannot be said about the cow droppings it keeps force-feeding Fiji citizens.

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