Any excuse for a parade

27 06 2009

opinion

scopeON Tuesday the illegal Prime Minister and scheming commander of the Republic of Fiji Military Forces Voreqe Bainimarama, made a speech at the army’s Infantry Day parade.

Mr Bainimarama loves parades and celebrations because they allow him to play dress-up, sometimes by wearing actual men’s clothing.

He also has a fondness for parades because he can pretend he is doing something worthwhile.

He especially enjoys military parades because they allow him to compensate for various shortcomings by displaying the biggest guns in his arsenal. The biggest guns are not found on his person.

But these fantasies extend to the mistaken belief that he runs an actual government.

All these by the way, are characteristics of great men like Stalin, Kim Jong-Il, Hitler and Elmer Fudd.

When Fiji Funcensored 4.5 finally got around to analysing Mr Bainimarama’s speech, we were dismayed because our understanding of Japanese is about as good as Esala Teleni’s command of the English language – barely able to count to 10 and basic at best.

Thankfully the speech was in Fijian so we had no trouble reading it.

In his speech Mr Bainimarama made special mention of Corporal Sefanaia Sukanaivalu, whose bravery in World War II led to his posthumous Victoria Cross medal.

Sukanaivalu was willing to die for something he believed in, he was willing die for his friends, and was willing to die for his country.

These are traits also found in abundant quantities in Mr Bainimarama. Unfortunately, they are not abundant enough to be shown in public.

Regime publicists will tell you Mr Bainimarama surrounds himself with bodyguards not out of fear, but to keep away the adoring hordes who would like to give him gifts for all he has done for them.

And yes, we also believe that Mr Bainimarama is not obtaining any financial advantage from his treasonous acts, and that expensive apartment he has in Brussels is just a by-product of bankrupting, sorry, rebuilding the country.

Anyway, Infantry Day got us thinking about other public holidays, in particular the November 2, 2000 mutiny at Queen Elizabeth barracks. This is another issue he made a big deal about in his speech.

This is because a lot changed for Mr Bainimarama on November 2, several of these were his underwear.

One minute his heartbeat was at rest, the next his bowels were moving on their own accord and he suddenly found himself wishing he hadn’t drunk so much water.

Irritating Counter Revolutionary Warfare soldiers were trying to kill him when he wasn’t looking.

Unfortunately, those CRW soldiers weren’t aware that Mr Bainimarama has unbelievable peripheral vision and an uncanny sense of awareness. However, on that occasion his senses let him down and Mr Bainimarama found himself wanting to visit the toilet and urinal at the same time.

He did. Regrettably he could not get to either quickly enough.

His bodyguards, sorry, crowd control specialists, helped him down the steep gradient behind the army camp to avoid the hordes of avid adorers who were celebrating what they had for lunch by firing random weapons in Mr Bainimarama’s general direction.

The crowd control specialists were so enthusiastic that Mr Bainimarama looked as if he too was celebrating by doing somersaults in the tavioka patch.

Later, in the sanctuary of Togalevu Naval Base and away from those pesky admirers, Mr Bainimarama again showed his bravery by quivering in a persuasive fashion and asking other people to shed blood for him.

The rest is history. What isn’t is the level of opposition to what he has done.

We at Fiji Funcensored 4.5 are normally placid, peace-loving individuals who would not wish harm on anyone. Unfortunately we are also liars and like Mr Bainimarama, we are also prone to episodes of bloodlust.

In fact when we experience one of these episodes, we wish those CRW soldiers had successfully delivered their presents.

Knowing now what we wish we knew then, November 2 should have become a national day of celebration.

[LEGAL DISCLAIMER: Fiji Funcensored 4.5 is lying about lying and we are in fact just looking for any excuse to have a party.]

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