Regime hires Hilton to boost ratings

13 08 2009

news

hiltonTHIS site is at the forefront of media in Fiji, particularly its unrivaled ability to break news and the hearts of regime supporters.

Which is why you will not be disappointed today. Unless, of course, you are a gun-totting, democracy-raping, national treasury-stealing, innocent people-killing, treasonous, sadistic, nepotistic, despotic so-and-so.

For the adjectivally-confused individuals who meet the above criteria, well, no one really cares what you think.

But in our desire to bring you the latest news, we have consulted numerous experts on post-2006 Fiji, particularly the E! Online website.

E! Online reports that Paris Hilton was recently in Fiji, purportedly to kiss and make up with a boyfriend and probably to make another movie.

But Fiji Funcensored believes this was a ruse. In actual fact the regime was looking for the most experienced diplomat in the United States to help Voreqe Bainimarama improve his public relations.

After a rigorous selection process, composed of watching amateur movies, Mr Bainimarama’s advisers, by which we mean Aiyaz Sayyed-Khaiyum, picked Miss Hilton.

Fiji Funcensored understands that the first piece of advice she gave Mr Bainimarama was to make a short movie using a digital video camera with advanced features which allow it to film in the dark.

Miss Hilton has also offered to script and direct the movie.

The hotel heiress made her acting debut in a Paris hotel room in 2004 and the resulting video went viral and has been widely circulated. This is despite the annoying lack of colours other than sickly green and various shades of grey.

Based on that effort, Fiji Funcensored believes the action in Mr Bainimarama’s video will be about 18 minutes long and composed almost entirely of grunts, positional changes, oh yeahs, several references to “my god”, slapping noises, do you like that and a co-star who has Fijian blood – judging by the size of shoes he obviously wears.

At least this is what overseas sources who have seen the movie have told us. In the spirit of research and fairness we have tried verifying this for ourselves but our notoriously slow Connect internet dial-up connection means there is a lot of buffering going on.

Fiji’s self-appointed Prime Minister is keen to make the video to boost his drooping ratings and has asked Miss Hilton for other suggestions.

In reply she has told him to begin wearing mini sulu vakataga which show off his knees and thighs, on top of very little or no underwear. The latter is also known as “going commando” and has created much excitement in a regime searching for the perfect slogan.

Miss Hilton has also been providing Mr Bainimarama with advice on techniques for getting out of the back seat of his four-wheel drive while wearing (or not) such clothes.

Properly executed, the “Paris Hilton back-seat exit” will give Mr Bainimarama’s personal paparazzi, specifically the photographers and journalists of the Fiji Sun who follow him everywhere, an exciting topic of discussion, namely whether or not Mr Bainimarama should have shaved that morning.

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Cats and colons?

1 08 2009

news

cat's colonNEW research has confirmed what Fiji Funcensored has always suspected: Voreqe Bainimarama is being controlled by pussies.

The startling finding, which isn’t really that surprising if you believe our introduction, was made in a recent study by the University of Sussex.

“Where is the University of Sussex,” you ask.

We will tell you. It is overseas. But we do not want to talk about geography. We want to talk about anatomy, particularly how it is something so furry and non-threatening could be so powerful that it can break even the strongest-willed man.

Scientists conducted this important research to answer that age-old question. We will get back to you once we figure out what it is.

Anyway, according to the study: “Household cats [NOTE TO READERS: You dirty-minded regime opponents] exercise this control with a certain type of urgent-sounding, high-pitched meow.

“This meow is actually a purr mixed with a high-pitched cry. While people usually think of cat purring as a sign of happiness, some cats make this purr-cry sound when they want to be fed.”

Fiji Funcensored can vouch for the veracity of this finding. Police Commissioner Esala Teleni is always hungry so he is constantly making this purr-cry sound. As a result he looks like someone who always gets what he wants.

But there is a term for this type of purring: Solicitation purring.

[That noise you hear in the background is Neumi Leweni rummaging through his drawers for a dictionary so he can look up the meaning of “veracity”.

Fortunately, he knows what “solicitation” means so we don’t have to waste valuable time explaining it to him. After all, Mr Leweni does have practical experience in subjects covered by the Street Offences Act, particularly loitering in dark places with intent to be financially rewarded].

Which brings us to our next point, namely why our blog has been out of commission for several weeks.

Since this is no time to discuss our failure to pay an internet bill or two, or just self-induced lethargy, we will focus on the regime instead.

While reviewing the data from the University of Sussex study, we made a discovery that is unrelated to household cats.

To indicate the importance of our breakthrough, we will activate our keyboard’s “Caps Lock” feature – yes, we have only one keyboard as well – to make this special announcement: THE INTERIM REGIME IS SUPPORTED BY PEOPLE WHO DON’T KNOW HOW TO USE PUNCTUATION MARKS!

If we were regime supporters right now we would be wondering “How on earth d!d our rivals manage to fit such a variety of punctuation marks in that previous paragraph! all of them in the correct place! Especially when we don!t know where to put exclamation!! marks!?”

Well, we could give regime supporters an anatomically distressing suggestion. But we promise it will be grammatically correct and in the process they will find their missing colons.