Cats and colons?

1 08 2009


cat's colonNEW research has confirmed what Fiji Funcensored has always suspected: Voreqe Bainimarama is being controlled by pussies.

The startling finding, which isn’t really that surprising if you believe our introduction, was made in a recent study by the University of Sussex.

“Where is the University of Sussex,” you ask.

We will tell you. It is overseas. But we do not want to talk about geography. We want to talk about anatomy, particularly how it is something so furry and non-threatening could be so powerful that it can break even the strongest-willed man.

Scientists conducted this important research to answer that age-old question. We will get back to you once we figure out what it is.

Anyway, according to the study: “Household cats [NOTE TO READERS: You dirty-minded regime opponents] exercise this control with a certain type of urgent-sounding, high-pitched meow.

“This meow is actually a purr mixed with a high-pitched cry. While people usually think of cat purring as a sign of happiness, some cats make this purr-cry sound when they want to be fed.”

Fiji Funcensored can vouch for the veracity of this finding. Police Commissioner Esala Teleni is always hungry so he is constantly making this purr-cry sound. As a result he looks like someone who always gets what he wants.

But there is a term for this type of purring: Solicitation purring.

[That noise you hear in the background is Neumi Leweni rummaging through his drawers for a dictionary so he can look up the meaning of “veracity”.

Fortunately, he knows what “solicitation” means so we don’t have to waste valuable time explaining it to him. After all, Mr Leweni does have practical experience in subjects covered by the Street Offences Act, particularly loitering in dark places with intent to be financially rewarded].

Which brings us to our next point, namely why our blog has been out of commission for several weeks.

Since this is no time to discuss our failure to pay an internet bill or two, or just self-induced lethargy, we will focus on the regime instead.

While reviewing the data from the University of Sussex study, we made a discovery that is unrelated to household cats.

To indicate the importance of our breakthrough, we will activate our keyboard’s “Caps Lock” feature – yes, we have only one keyboard as well – to make this special announcement: THE INTERIM REGIME IS SUPPORTED BY PEOPLE WHO DON’T KNOW HOW TO USE PUNCTUATION MARKS!

If we were regime supporters right now we would be wondering “How on earth d!d our rivals manage to fit such a variety of punctuation marks in that previous paragraph! all of them in the correct place! Especially when we don!t know where to put exclamation!! marks!?”

Well, we could give regime supporters an anatomically distressing suggestion. But we promise it will be grammatically correct and in the process they will find their missing colons.