THIS site is at the forefront of media in Fiji, particularly its unrivaled ability to break news and the hearts of regime supporters.
Which is why you will not be disappointed today. Unless, of course, you are a gun-totting, democracy-raping, national treasury-stealing, innocent people-killing, treasonous, sadistic, nepotistic, despotic so-and-so.
For the adjectivally-confused individuals who meet the above criteria, well, no one really cares what you think.
But in our desire to bring you the latest news, we have consulted numerous experts on post-2006 Fiji, particularly the E! Online website.
E! Online reports that Paris Hilton was recently in Fiji, purportedly to kiss and make up with a boyfriend and probably to make another movie.
But Fiji Funcensored believes this was a ruse. In actual fact the regime was looking for the most experienced diplomat in the United States to help Voreqe Bainimarama improve his public relations.
After a rigorous selection process, composed of watching amateur movies, Mr Bainimarama’s advisers, by which we mean Aiyaz Sayyed-Khaiyum, picked Miss Hilton.
Fiji Funcensored understands that the first piece of advice she gave Mr Bainimarama was to make a short movie using a digital video camera with advanced features which allow it to film in the dark.
Miss Hilton has also offered to script and direct the movie.
The hotel heiress made her acting debut in a Paris hotel room in 2004 and the resulting video went viral and has been widely circulated. This is despite the annoying lack of colours other than sickly green and various shades of grey.
Based on that effort, Fiji Funcensored believes the action in Mr Bainimarama’s video will be about 18 minutes long and composed almost entirely of grunts, positional changes, oh yeahs, several references to “my god”, slapping noises, do you like that and a co-star who has Fijian blood – judging by the size of shoes he obviously wears.
At least this is what overseas sources who have seen the movie have told us. In the spirit of research and fairness we have tried verifying this for ourselves but our notoriously slow Connect internet dial-up connection means there is a lot of buffering going on.
Fiji’s self-appointed Prime Minister is keen to make the video to boost his drooping ratings and has asked Miss Hilton for other suggestions.
In reply she has told him to begin wearing mini sulu vakataga which show off his knees and thighs, on top of very little or no underwear. The latter is also known as “going commando” and has created much excitement in a regime searching for the perfect slogan.
Miss Hilton has also been providing Mr Bainimarama with advice on techniques for getting out of the back seat of his four-wheel drive while wearing (or not) such clothes.
Properly executed, the “Paris Hilton back-seat exit” will give Mr Bainimarama’s personal paparazzi, specifically the photographers and journalists of the Fiji Sun who follow him everywhere, an exciting topic of discussion, namely whether or not Mr Bainimarama should have shaved that morning.