Cellulite solution for Fiji’s top cop

20 06 2009


peelFIJI Funcensored 4.5 has had enough of lampooning certain members of the interim military regime.

Which is why today we will lampoon someone else, namely the most senior officer in the Fiji Police Force, who like a lot of regime members, communicates in fragmented English.

Unfortunately for Esala Teleni, he does not have gifted propaganda specialists who can at least make him sound intelligent.

Unlike previous blog posts, this one will offer Mr Teleni a constructive solution of national importance, specifically how he can banish his obstinate cellulite.

Cellulite is a growing concern for all modern women, but especially for Mr Teleni, who has not stopped growing. It looks like an orange peel and in larger volumes, like Mr Teleni.

Experts believe it is caused by high salt and saturated fat content found in convenience foods, long hours in sedentary occupations and not drinking enough water.

[LEGAL DISCLAIMER: Fiji Funcensored 4.5 is in no way suggesting that Mr Teleni does not drink enough water.]

But the obvious answer to cellulite would be exercise, but Mr Teleni does not look like he appreciates obvious answers.

He is more likely to try unorthodox methods, such as an exclusive belief that use of a force of New Methodist converts will rectify Fiji’s crime problems.

This is why we think he should try reductive massage. Yes, reductive massage.

Reductive massage is popular among A-listers such as Jessica Simpson and Courtney Cox. It uses special massage techniques which are designed to create heat and dissolve fat and cellulite.

If you ask us, this is about as effective as prayer is in solving a crime. But if it’s good enough for patients like Ms Simpson, it should be good enough for Mr Teleni.

The treatment will eliminate Mr Teleni’s backlog of localised fat which is resistant to diet and exercise, and streamline the contours of his body.

This will give him a more aesthetically-pleasing silhouette and allow members of the public to take him a little more seriously.

But most importantly for Fiji’s top crime-fighter, it will help his skin look great by detoxifying and promoting skin renewal, allowing drainage of excess fluids, and stimulating micro-circulation, especially in the part of his brain which is responsible for decision-making.


Clones sustain regime ambitions

19 06 2009


clonesTHE Bainimarama regime has used cutting-edge technology to consolidate its hold on Fiji and build a dynasty which will rival Hitler’s Thousand-Year Reich.

Attorney-General Aiyaz Sayed-Khaiyum said the decision to clone members of the regime had been fraught with legal challenges and resistance.

But in the can-do spirit typical of Voreqe Bainimarama’s leadership, they had detained all opponents on trumped-up charges and given them free exercise lessons at Queen Elizabeth Barracks.

“We are trying to re-engineer Fijian society, an undertaking which will take us at least a millennium to achieve,” Mr Khaiyum said.

In order for them to realise their aims members of the regime turned to history for inspiration.

“Our research uncovered only two references to a thousand-year rule on earth,” Mr Khaiyum said. “The first involved Satan and the other was Nazism.

“Obviously we chose Hitler as our model because there is no tangible evidence of the former’s since it hasn’t occurred yet.”

Mr Khaiyum said an important aspect of any 1000-year reign was ensuring that there was continuity of administration. “For this, we placed our faith in the untested technology of cloning humans.”

Yesterday that faith was repaid when BioArts International, the American company contracted to create the genetic copies, officially handed over the first replication.

It was, appropriately, a duplicate of Mr Khaiyum.

Unfortunately, BioArts specialises in cloning pet dogs and Mr Khaiyum’s reproduction has been displaying a penchant for urinating on fire hydrants and mounting the unattended legs of strangers.

Mr Khaiyum was unruffled by this “slight complication”. “I mean, the clone also exhibits an irresistible urge to sniff the behinds of people, not only those within its circle of friends.

“But that’s the type of behaviour members of the regime engage in on a day-to-day basis.”

Perhaps in an exhibition of journalistic weakness, Fiji Funcensored 4.5 did not ask the question on everyone’s lips: whether or not the clone was showing other canine compulsions such as a tendency to groom intimate areas while present in a public setting.

In our defence, we felt that would be sensationalist and in bad taste. Obviously, the clone thought otherwise as it went about its business.

Then again, it could’ve been Mr Khaiyum because we couldn’t really tell the difference.

Revolutionary role for baton-wielder

18 06 2009

batonIRAN’S most powerful military force has appointed Neumi Leweni as its adjunct conductor on the suppression of free speech.

The Revolutionary Guards, an elite body answering to the supreme leader, is unlike Voreqe Banimarama’s regime, which answers to no one.

The guards said Mr Leweni’s experience in bringing to heel Fiji’s largely recalcitrant media organisations would be useful in cracking down on Iran’s online media.

Neither the guards nor Mr Leweni know what recalcitrant means.

It is the Revolutionary Guards’ first public statement since a crisis erupted following last week’s presidential election.

Iranian reformist web sites as well as blogs and Western sites like Facebook and Twitter have been vital conduits for Iranians to inform the world about protests over the declaration of election victory for hardline President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

“Iranian web sites and bloggers must remove materials that create tension or face legal action,” the Revolutionary Guards said in a press release straight out of Mr Leweni’s back pocket.

“Legal action” is a colloquial term used by the Bainimarama regime for shooting unarmed civilian protesters. “Back pocket” is our term for a bodily passage.

Like Mr Leweni, the Iranian Revolutionary Guards sound more educated when they issue written press releases.

“If legal action is not enough of a deterrent, then perhaps half an hour listening to Soorakh-e koon Leweni will change their minds.”

Soorakh-e koon is an ancient Persian term of endearment. Actually, it has something to do with the back pocket, but don’t tell him that.

Mr Leweni, the Bainimarama regime’s spokesman and Permanent Secretary for Information is not a very articulate speaker. Half an hour listening to him talk is a fate worse than death.

In response to his secondment, Mr Leweni said he was honoured to play a part in the development of a truly democratic republic like Iran. At least that’s what Fiji Funcensored 4.5 pressumes he was trying to say.

“I uhhh, I uhhhh uhhh, I uhhhh, am uhhh, happy with uhhh, uhhh, this,” he said.

Iranian President Ahmadinejad said he was confident Mr Leweni’s experience in getting people to sing the right tune with a baton would hold him in good stead, especially when all his statements were composed mostly of hot air and came out of his back pocket.

Notice to regime censors

16 06 2009



YOU are not welcome on this website. This is really for your own protection and not for selfish reasons.

An example of a selfish reason is a personal dislike for people who like running red pens across the sweaty brows of others.

This is a figurative reference and does not allude to the Mark of the Beast in the Book of Revelation. Of course this is beyond the comprehension of primitive life forms.

But we also use big words on this blog and if you, as a regime censor try and think too deeply about the hidden meaning of our posts, your brain will explode.

(Words, by the way, are those funny looking things with spaces between them.)

Most importantly, Fiji Funcensored 4.5 is for people with real jobs.

Elite military unit to battle swine flu

15 06 2009


SwinefluTHE Fiji Military Forces has created an elite special unit to battle swine flu.

This follows the World Health Organization’s recent decision to label the outbreak a pandemic.

FMF Land Forces Commander Colonel Pita Driti said he was extremely proud his title contained capital letters.

“The only thing missing from my official position are brackets. But I am not happy that the acronym for my organisation is often mistaken for Flour Mills of Fiji.”

When Fiji Funcensored 4.5 gently reminded him that he was going off-topic again, Col Driti threatened to shut down our blog.

But clever interviewing techniques and an extra $20 in unmarked five-cent coins soon placated him and had him back on course. “Oi, the pig flu unit, yes, they are currently carrying out military exercises at Kinoya to counter this new threat to national security.”

Asked what sort of training this involved, Col Driti motioned as if he was accepting a cup of inferior homemade rum which then caused violent faecal evacuation. He then grunted and indicated the interview was over.

From this Fiji Funcensored 4.5 assumed the elite unit was developing a virus-purging method involving homebrew, diarrhoea and/or grunting.

So far swine flu has killed 144 people in 74 countries. That’s almost the number of supporters the regime has.

Junta welcomes 2009 election … results in Iran

14 06 2009


voteWHILE much of the rest of the world remained silent, the Voreqe Bainimarama-led military regime became the first government to congratulate Iran for its election results.

This follows claims that the hard-liner Mahmoud Ahmadinejad had been re-elected despite other claims of fraud and scenes of clashes on the streets of Tehran.

At the time this article was being invented, only the United States and Canada had challenged the election results. Fiji, unwilling to be outdone, welcomed it.

For the Middle East, the West and Fiji, the stakes are high. Fiji in particular, is looking for foreign financial support to help prop up its coup-ravaged economy.

Iran is a perceived threat to Israel’s national security – and a major worry for the US and allies who fear Tehran is trying to build a nuclear weapon.

Iran is also a key economic player in the region. Unfortunately for the Bainimarama regime, that region is not the Pacific.

Supporters of pro-reform candidate Mir Hossein Mousavi alleged that the outcome of the election was rigged as clashes erupted in Tehran and at least one other urban area, possibly Nasinu.

Mr Bainimarama said if the election was rigged, it probably involved elements of the Soqosoqo Duavata ni Lewenivanua Party.

“Nevertheless, Fiji is going to send experienced troops to Iran help quell any future clashes, whether Iran wants them or not,” Mr Bainimarama said.

“As an experienced military commander who has not had any proper training as an officer, I can deduce that Iran needs Fiji’s help. This is the same power of deduction that led me to surmise that Fiji citizens wanted the 1997 Constitution thrown out,” he said.

Apart from an armed battalion, Mr Bainimarama said the Fiji Military Forces would also send in its Engineering Corp “with a few green D6 bulldozers decorated with coconut fronds and hibiscus flowers.

“This will ensure that Fiji’s contribution stands out in the desert landscape as we help in the recovery effort.”

When asked “which recovery effort?” Mr Bainimarama said “the one in Iran, where my advisors said Ahmadinejad won in a landslide”.

Bainimarama hit by meteorite

13 06 2009


meteorite_1FIJI’S Prime Minister Voreqe Bainimarama has been hit by a pea-sized meteorite that scared the bejeezus out of him, caused him to emit a strange odour and led to a need to change his underwear.

“When it hit me it knocked me flying and then was still going fast enough to bury itself in Leweni,” Mr Bainimarama said.

Astronomers have analysed the object and conclude it was indeed a natural object from space, as opposed to an unnatural one from Leweni.

They are unsure though why the meterorite chose Neumi Leweni as its repository, although there are questions about its suppositorious entry, even if there is no such word.

Most meteors vaporise in the atmosphere, creating “shooting stars“, and never reach the ground. The few that do are typically made mostly of metals.

Stony space rocks, even if they are as big as the Prime Minister’s armoured four-wheel-drive, will usually break apart or explode as they crash through the atmosphere.

There are a handful of reports of homes and cars being struck by meteorites, and many cases of space rocks streaking to the surface and being found later in a naked state.

But human strikes are rare and there are no known instances of humans being killed by space rocks. This would have been a good chance to set the record straight, and kill two birds with one stone.

Scientists say the chances of another human strike occuring are “slim to nil, about the same odds as Fiji having elections in 2014”.