Regime hires Hilton to boost ratings

13 08 2009

news

hiltonTHIS site is at the forefront of media in Fiji, particularly its unrivaled ability to break news and the hearts of regime supporters.

Which is why you will not be disappointed today. Unless, of course, you are a gun-totting, democracy-raping, national treasury-stealing, innocent people-killing, treasonous, sadistic, nepotistic, despotic so-and-so.

For the adjectivally-confused individuals who meet the above criteria, well, no one really cares what you think.

But in our desire to bring you the latest news, we have consulted numerous experts on post-2006 Fiji, particularly the E! Online website.

E! Online reports that Paris Hilton was recently in Fiji, purportedly to kiss and make up with a boyfriend and probably to make another movie.

But Fiji Funcensored believes this was a ruse. In actual fact the regime was looking for the most experienced diplomat in the United States to help Voreqe Bainimarama improve his public relations.

After a rigorous selection process, composed of watching amateur movies, Mr Bainimarama’s advisers, by which we mean Aiyaz Sayyed-Khaiyum, picked Miss Hilton.

Fiji Funcensored understands that the first piece of advice she gave Mr Bainimarama was to make a short movie using a digital video camera with advanced features which allow it to film in the dark.

Miss Hilton has also offered to script and direct the movie.

The hotel heiress made her acting debut in a Paris hotel room in 2004 and the resulting video went viral and has been widely circulated. This is despite the annoying lack of colours other than sickly green and various shades of grey.

Based on that effort, Fiji Funcensored believes the action in Mr Bainimarama’s video will be about 18 minutes long and composed almost entirely of grunts, positional changes, oh yeahs, several references to “my god”, slapping noises, do you like that and a co-star who has Fijian blood – judging by the size of shoes he obviously wears.

At least this is what overseas sources who have seen the movie have told us. In the spirit of research and fairness we have tried verifying this for ourselves but our notoriously slow Connect internet dial-up connection means there is a lot of buffering going on.

Fiji’s self-appointed Prime Minister is keen to make the video to boost his drooping ratings and has asked Miss Hilton for other suggestions.

In reply she has told him to begin wearing mini sulu vakataga which show off his knees and thighs, on top of very little or no underwear. The latter is also known as “going commando” and has created much excitement in a regime searching for the perfect slogan.

Miss Hilton has also been providing Mr Bainimarama with advice on techniques for getting out of the back seat of his four-wheel drive while wearing (or not) such clothes.

Properly executed, the “Paris Hilton back-seat exit” will give Mr Bainimarama’s personal paparazzi, specifically the photographers and journalists of the Fiji Sun who follow him everywhere, an exciting topic of discussion, namely whether or not Mr Bainimarama should have shaved that morning.

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Any excuse for a parade

27 06 2009

opinion

scopeON Tuesday the illegal Prime Minister and scheming commander of the Republic of Fiji Military Forces Voreqe Bainimarama, made a speech at the army’s Infantry Day parade.

Mr Bainimarama loves parades and celebrations because they allow him to play dress-up, sometimes by wearing actual men’s clothing.

He also has a fondness for parades because he can pretend he is doing something worthwhile.

He especially enjoys military parades because they allow him to compensate for various shortcomings by displaying the biggest guns in his arsenal. The biggest guns are not found on his person.

But these fantasies extend to the mistaken belief that he runs an actual government.

All these by the way, are characteristics of great men like Stalin, Kim Jong-Il, Hitler and Elmer Fudd.

When Fiji Funcensored 4.5 finally got around to analysing Mr Bainimarama’s speech, we were dismayed because our understanding of Japanese is about as good as Esala Teleni’s command of the English language – barely able to count to 10 and basic at best.

Thankfully the speech was in Fijian so we had no trouble reading it.

In his speech Mr Bainimarama made special mention of Corporal Sefanaia Sukanaivalu, whose bravery in World War II led to his posthumous Victoria Cross medal.

Sukanaivalu was willing to die for something he believed in, he was willing die for his friends, and was willing to die for his country.

These are traits also found in abundant quantities in Mr Bainimarama. Unfortunately, they are not abundant enough to be shown in public.

Regime publicists will tell you Mr Bainimarama surrounds himself with bodyguards not out of fear, but to keep away the adoring hordes who would like to give him gifts for all he has done for them.

And yes, we also believe that Mr Bainimarama is not obtaining any financial advantage from his treasonous acts, and that expensive apartment he has in Brussels is just a by-product of bankrupting, sorry, rebuilding the country.

Anyway, Infantry Day got us thinking about other public holidays, in particular the November 2, 2000 mutiny at Queen Elizabeth barracks. This is another issue he made a big deal about in his speech.

This is because a lot changed for Mr Bainimarama on November 2, several of these were his underwear.

One minute his heartbeat was at rest, the next his bowels were moving on their own accord and he suddenly found himself wishing he hadn’t drunk so much water.

Irritating Counter Revolutionary Warfare soldiers were trying to kill him when he wasn’t looking.

Unfortunately, those CRW soldiers weren’t aware that Mr Bainimarama has unbelievable peripheral vision and an uncanny sense of awareness. However, on that occasion his senses let him down and Mr Bainimarama found himself wanting to visit the toilet and urinal at the same time.

He did. Regrettably he could not get to either quickly enough.

His bodyguards, sorry, crowd control specialists, helped him down the steep gradient behind the army camp to avoid the hordes of avid adorers who were celebrating what they had for lunch by firing random weapons in Mr Bainimarama’s general direction.

The crowd control specialists were so enthusiastic that Mr Bainimarama looked as if he too was celebrating by doing somersaults in the tavioka patch.

Later, in the sanctuary of Togalevu Naval Base and away from those pesky admirers, Mr Bainimarama again showed his bravery by quivering in a persuasive fashion and asking other people to shed blood for him.

The rest is history. What isn’t is the level of opposition to what he has done.

We at Fiji Funcensored 4.5 are normally placid, peace-loving individuals who would not wish harm on anyone. Unfortunately we are also liars and like Mr Bainimarama, we are also prone to episodes of bloodlust.

In fact when we experience one of these episodes, we wish those CRW soldiers had successfully delivered their presents.

Knowing now what we wish we knew then, November 2 should have become a national day of celebration.

[LEGAL DISCLAIMER: Fiji Funcensored 4.5 is lying about lying and we are in fact just looking for any excuse to have a party.]





Media indoctrination speech lacks satirical ingredients – just like this post

25 06 2009

news

toenailWHEN Neumi Leweni, the self-appointed star of several pieces of prose on Fiji Funcensored 4.5 recently launched the regime’s New Media Initiative, we were unresponsive.

This is because we had better things to do, such as collect toenail clippings.

This level of disinterest was reflected in the number of people who actually attended the launch, which according to Mr Leweni was like his brain stem – “small”.

The brain stem is important because it connects the brain and the spinal column. Take that out with a sniper rifle and you no longer have a functioning brain. In fact, you no longer have a functioning human being.

Take out several brain stems and you no longer have a functioning military regime.

(LEGAL DISCLAIMER: Fiji Funcensored 4.5 is not promoting assassination. But if someone is, the brain stem, if you can find it with your explosive bullet, is a good place to start.)

But we were also apathetic about the initiative. When we say “apathetic” we mean we couldn’t give a damn.

Now before any of you Leweni supporters get your britches in a tangle, we would like to categorically state that we do not wear britches.

We admit that Mr Leweni takes the general shape of  a human being and that he displays tendencies similar to emotions.

We also know that he may or may not have paid attention in school when his English teacher was explaining the finer points of vowel articulation and consonant formation, as well as accent, inflection and intonation.

But if we had a choice of listening to Mr Leweni drone on about how good life is under the emergency regulations, we would rather watch Esala Teleni’s greasy cheeks jiggle hypnotically.

After we got our minds off Mr Teleni’s cheeks, we decided that we had to be fair and take a second look at those plump cheeks because some of us find that exciting.

No, in fact, the rest of us had a second look at Mr Leweni’s speech. This was when we realised that we still didn’t give a damn about the New Media Initiative.

But what did give a damn about was the satirical potential. This thing had none.

Nevertheless, we were able to deduce that the New Media Initiative, henceforth the NMI and pronunced NeuMI, basically involved using the Fiji Sun as the regime’s mouthpiece.

This is because the Fiji Sun speaks English that is superior to Mr Leweni’s. The paper also has way better breath.

In his speech, Mr Leweni said the initiative would lead to a demarginalised society that was without corruption, a chiefly system or the 1997 Constitution. Actually, he said no such thing.

But the regime would build its utopian society by using the Fiji Sun to feed us only the information it wanted us to receive. In some societies this is known as brainwashing.

The final product of all this would be a societal erection that despite sociological pressures, would stand the test of time.

The trouble is, no erection lasts that long.





Organic dictatorship changes diet of heftiest units

23 06 2009

news

cowMINDFUL of reducing its carbon footprint, the Bainimarama regime is changing the diet of its heftiest units to reduce the amount of gas they produce.

The regime has been working with digestive specialists and dieticians to reduce the amount of intestinal methane it has been collectively producing in increasing volumes since the 2006 military coup.

Prime Minister Voreqe Bainimarama, who has been a strong advocate of environmentally-friendly dictatorship, has welcomed the new diet their specialists have prescribed.

“Ever since December 2006, we have tried to run our dictatorship as organically as possible. This has included appointing people with good biodegradable properties such as Police Commissioner Esala Teleni.”

One of the drawbacks of utilising such an amply-proportioned commissioner though was the cubic metres of greenhouse gases he produced. This is where the new diet comes in.

The advanced menu on which Mr Teleni and others have now been placed is made up of alfalfa, flaxseed and grasses high in Omega 3 fatty acids.

This is normally what technologically advanced cows eat but it has been proven to reduce the methane they produce.

Mr Bainimarama’s environmentally-friendly approach has been prompted by research which shows that since December 2006 the military regime has become Fiji’s highest greenhouse gas contributor.

A lot of this has been attributed to the hot air it has been spewing.

Of course these statistics do not take into account Mr Teleni’s contribution, which is equivalent to a whole country on its own.

The data also shows that most of the gas is emitted from the front and not back end of regime members.

This was a very difficult determination to make, seeing that there was very little scientific difference between the two.

Although the regime may be cutting back on the amount of methane it produces, the same cannot be said about the cow droppings it keeps force-feeding Fiji citizens.





NASA launches unmanned lunar probes, misses and hits Leweni

21 06 2009

news

moonNASA launched its first moon shot in a decade, sending up a pair of unmanned science probes to help determine where astronauts could touch down and set up camp in years to come.

Unfortunately, the probes missed and one landed on chief regime propagandist Neumi Leweni.

The incident has clearly frustrated NASA officials, who will now sue Mr Leweni for getting in the way.

This is the second time in a week that Mr Leweni has been hit by a space-based object, leading to speculation that he is just seeking attention.

A week ago a tiny meteorite bounced off Prime Minister Voreqe Bainimarama and had to be extracted from Mr Leweni using invasive techniques normally reserved for alien movies.

This time doctors have advised against removing the probe because of the depth with which it has penetrated a part of the anatomy usually dominated by the buttocks.

The $1.215 million NASA mission was the first step in the space agency’s efforts to return humans to the moon by 2020.

One probe was supposed to enter into an orbit around the moon for a mapping mission. The other would have swung past and gone into an elongated orbit around Earth that would have put it on course to crash into a crater at the moon’s south pole.

But a glitch in NASA’s telemetry equipment meant that the deep-impact probe found the wrong south pole. As a result, Mr Leweni has a new crater.





Cellulite solution for Fiji’s top cop

20 06 2009

health

peelFIJI Funcensored 4.5 has had enough of lampooning certain members of the interim military regime.

Which is why today we will lampoon someone else, namely the most senior officer in the Fiji Police Force, who like a lot of regime members, communicates in fragmented English.

Unfortunately for Esala Teleni, he does not have gifted propaganda specialists who can at least make him sound intelligent.

Unlike previous blog posts, this one will offer Mr Teleni a constructive solution of national importance, specifically how he can banish his obstinate cellulite.

Cellulite is a growing concern for all modern women, but especially for Mr Teleni, who has not stopped growing. It looks like an orange peel and in larger volumes, like Mr Teleni.

Experts believe it is caused by high salt and saturated fat content found in convenience foods, long hours in sedentary occupations and not drinking enough water.

[LEGAL DISCLAIMER: Fiji Funcensored 4.5 is in no way suggesting that Mr Teleni does not drink enough water.]

But the obvious answer to cellulite would be exercise, but Mr Teleni does not look like he appreciates obvious answers.

He is more likely to try unorthodox methods, such as an exclusive belief that use of a force of New Methodist converts will rectify Fiji’s crime problems.

This is why we think he should try reductive massage. Yes, reductive massage.

Reductive massage is popular among A-listers such as Jessica Simpson and Courtney Cox. It uses special massage techniques which are designed to create heat and dissolve fat and cellulite.

If you ask us, this is about as effective as prayer is in solving a crime. But if it’s good enough for patients like Ms Simpson, it should be good enough for Mr Teleni.

The treatment will eliminate Mr Teleni’s backlog of localised fat which is resistant to diet and exercise, and streamline the contours of his body.

This will give him a more aesthetically-pleasing silhouette and allow members of the public to take him a little more seriously.

But most importantly for Fiji’s top crime-fighter, it will help his skin look great by detoxifying and promoting skin renewal, allowing drainage of excess fluids, and stimulating micro-circulation, especially in the part of his brain which is responsible for decision-making.





Clones sustain regime ambitions

19 06 2009

news

clonesTHE Bainimarama regime has used cutting-edge technology to consolidate its hold on Fiji and build a dynasty which will rival Hitler’s Thousand-Year Reich.

Attorney-General Aiyaz Sayed-Khaiyum said the decision to clone members of the regime had been fraught with legal challenges and resistance.

But in the can-do spirit typical of Voreqe Bainimarama’s leadership, they had detained all opponents on trumped-up charges and given them free exercise lessons at Queen Elizabeth Barracks.

“We are trying to re-engineer Fijian society, an undertaking which will take us at least a millennium to achieve,” Mr Khaiyum said.

In order for them to realise their aims members of the regime turned to history for inspiration.

“Our research uncovered only two references to a thousand-year rule on earth,” Mr Khaiyum said. “The first involved Satan and the other was Nazism.

“Obviously we chose Hitler as our model because there is no tangible evidence of the former’s since it hasn’t occurred yet.”

Mr Khaiyum said an important aspect of any 1000-year reign was ensuring that there was continuity of administration. “For this, we placed our faith in the untested technology of cloning humans.”

Yesterday that faith was repaid when BioArts International, the American company contracted to create the genetic copies, officially handed over the first replication.

It was, appropriately, a duplicate of Mr Khaiyum.

Unfortunately, BioArts specialises in cloning pet dogs and Mr Khaiyum’s reproduction has been displaying a penchant for urinating on fire hydrants and mounting the unattended legs of strangers.

Mr Khaiyum was unruffled by this “slight complication”. “I mean, the clone also exhibits an irresistible urge to sniff the behinds of people, not only those within its circle of friends.

“But that’s the type of behaviour members of the regime engage in on a day-to-day basis.”

Perhaps in an exhibition of journalistic weakness, Fiji Funcensored 4.5 did not ask the question on everyone’s lips: whether or not the clone was showing other canine compulsions such as a tendency to groom intimate areas while present in a public setting.

In our defence, we felt that would be sensationalist and in bad taste. Obviously, the clone thought otherwise as it went about its business.

Then again, it could’ve been Mr Khaiyum because we couldn’t really tell the difference.