Cats and colons?

1 08 2009

news

cat's colonNEW research has confirmed what Fiji Funcensored has always suspected: Voreqe Bainimarama is being controlled by pussies.

The startling finding, which isn’t really that surprising if you believe our introduction, was made in a recent study by the University of Sussex.

“Where is the University of Sussex,” you ask.

We will tell you. It is overseas. But we do not want to talk about geography. We want to talk about anatomy, particularly how it is something so furry and non-threatening could be so powerful that it can break even the strongest-willed man.

Scientists conducted this important research to answer that age-old question. We will get back to you once we figure out what it is.

Anyway, according to the study: “Household cats [NOTE TO READERS: You dirty-minded regime opponents] exercise this control with a certain type of urgent-sounding, high-pitched meow.

“This meow is actually a purr mixed with a high-pitched cry. While people usually think of cat purring as a sign of happiness, some cats make this purr-cry sound when they want to be fed.”

Fiji Funcensored can vouch for the veracity of this finding. Police Commissioner Esala Teleni is always hungry so he is constantly making this purr-cry sound. As a result he looks like someone who always gets what he wants.

But there is a term for this type of purring: Solicitation purring.

[That noise you hear in the background is Neumi Leweni rummaging through his drawers for a dictionary so he can look up the meaning of “veracity”.

Fortunately, he knows what “solicitation” means so we don’t have to waste valuable time explaining it to him. After all, Mr Leweni does have practical experience in subjects covered by the Street Offences Act, particularly loitering in dark places with intent to be financially rewarded].

Which brings us to our next point, namely why our blog has been out of commission for several weeks.

Since this is no time to discuss our failure to pay an internet bill or two, or just self-induced lethargy, we will focus on the regime instead.

While reviewing the data from the University of Sussex study, we made a discovery that is unrelated to household cats.

To indicate the importance of our breakthrough, we will activate our keyboard’s “Caps Lock” feature – yes, we have only one keyboard as well – to make this special announcement: THE INTERIM REGIME IS SUPPORTED BY PEOPLE WHO DON’T KNOW HOW TO USE PUNCTUATION MARKS!

If we were regime supporters right now we would be wondering “How on earth d!d our rivals manage to fit such a variety of punctuation marks in that previous paragraph! all of them in the correct place! Especially when we don!t know where to put exclamation!! marks!?”

Well, we could give regime supporters an anatomically distressing suggestion. But we promise it will be grammatically correct and in the process they will find their missing colons.

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Commissioner finds interesting bits in briefs

28 06 2009

news

briefsSUPPORTERS of the illegal regime are breaking into their own marijuana fields and getting high.

The strange occurrence, revealed exclusively to Fiji Funcensored 4.5 this morning by Police Commissioner Esala Teleni, has taken a perplexing twist, particularly when Mr Teleni does not give interviews on Sundays.

But it has solved what some observers say has spurred an edge-of-the-tanoa legend about mysterious crop circles.

In true X-Files style, Mr Teleni said drugged-out regime apologists had been found hopping around in circles squashing their marijuana plants, creating the formations – and hence solving the mystery.

This is the first time police officers under Mr Teleni’s command have solved anything.

The coup apologists, already under the influence of Voreqe Bainimarama and his magic mushrooms, have been increasingly entering the fields to nibble on the best buds. That potent mix causes them to get even higher and run round and round in concentric circles creating “crop circles”.

“The one interesting bit I found recently in one of my briefs was that we have this issue with our supporters entering their own fields, getting high as a kite and going around in circles,” Mr Teleni said.

“If it involved opponents of the regime, we would have beaten them up and perhaps even sent a few of them home in bodybags,” he said.

“But that’s just the way we operate with our Commander Bainimarama-inspired double standards.”

Fiji Funcensored 4.5 did not bring to Mr Teleni’s attention the possibility that by going around in circles, the apologists were just emulating the regime.

Neither did we dare ask Mr Teleni what other interesting bits he found in his briefs, or whether he was able to find them at all.